Sweet Kisses!

Another funny story from the star of most of our funny stories. . .Ryan. . .
I picked him up from school today and he tells his teacher, " 'mere "(which means come here) as he motioned his finger toward himself for her to bend down to his level. Of course she did. She kneeled down and was looking him in the face to see what he had wanted or needed from her. He looked so serious. He put his arms around her neck and said "dimme tiss beh-bie"! LOL! She hugged and squeezed him and smooched his little cheeks as he cackled. It was the cutest!!! LOL!!! His talking is coming along so well. It's so funny to hear him expressing himself now!

Just Because. . .

I am trying to be a better blogger :) so I'm trying to write even about the little things because apparently some people think my life is interesting. ?? Beats me!

Anyway, so we just ended a great weekend. Eddie got back Wednesday night and had a hectic couple of days back at the office so we spent the weekend doing fun family stuff. We ventured out and found a mall here in the area so of course I'm now happy! LOL! The kids were even excited about it cause they have a HUGE game room. In Alabama one of our family things we did often was go to the mall and Laela and I would shop while the boys played in the gameroom, then we'd eat lunch or dinner at the food court. So it will be nice to have that family thing back. Then we headed to a mini October fest here on the base. They had TONS for the kids to do and they had a blast. It's always so fun to watch them that happy. The boys got their hair spray painted which was hilarious! I am so sick that I don't have my camera yet to take/post pictures. Soon I hope! Then we had friends over with their kiddos. The 6 kids played in the playroom and had a ball destroying it together and the grown ups had wine and did karaoke! HILARIOUS!!!! Then today was just a chilled out day for me to do some housework (clean up the playroom :) ) and do some laundry while Eddie played outside with the kids. It's just overall been a nice weekend. Eddie and I decided today that we are going to start taking better care of our health so we aren't decrepit by the time we're 40. So we'll be on that kick now. I have about 20 lbs to lose so wish me luck :) LOL! Anyway, so that's all for now I suppose. Will write more when something interesting happens, or not so interesting. :)

HE LISTENS and ANSWERS!!

Right after I posted all my feelings the other day, it all came together and started making sense. Each time I laughed at one of the kids I thought, oh how much I love them and enjoy them. I haven't always stopped to think that each time they make me smile. It's just been a general thought and feeling I have. And then out of no where I started to focus on me. Imagine that! LOL!!! It just felt so strange. I had no choice but to realize it was happening because it just felt so odd and I thought, perhaps this is something else I am supposed to be doing with my time, taking better care of my health and self in general. I didn't know God was so E-SAVVY. :) But he is. He heard me today and knew I was at the end of that rope and He answered. He knows. That day had been such a bad day yet I layed down that night with more peace and "rest" than I have in a very long time. He gave me that and I am so greatful! You know, I have realized something very invaluable in my whole 29 years, it has taken me a really long time to understand this but now I do. . .God knows how strong we are, better than we do. When we think we can't take one more step in the direction we're going, either we will do just that because He knows we can, or He will come down and rescue us from it. I know it is so simple but the true understanding of that has finally come to me and it makes all the difference in the world. Something that's been said/preached to me my whole life but I REALLY understand it now. It just hit me that I've been able to type all this without even thinking about crying. I haven't been able to do that yet. It's a good feeling to have a new strength. Especially to know I can tap into the source anytime I need to :) Life is good and God is good!

Funny Stories

Now that I have a blog, I am trying to be better about remembering to record those little funny things that happen with the kids that I don't want to forget.

1) Ryan found an old cell phone that I put in their toy box and positioned Laela against the wall and held up the phone and said, "Leh-la, teeeeeze" and bless her heart, she gave a goofy grin and looked at him and said "teeeeeze" with her head cocked to the side like the little girl she is. Ryan then looked at the phone and said, "oh Leh-la, dood wun! choot!" LOL!!

LOVE THESE MOMENTS!!

Lord Be With Me Today!

What a yucky day it is around here today. Eddie's been gone since Thursday and will be back Wednesday night. We miss him when he's gone. We all had colds at the end of the week last week but most of us are over it. Ryan's is sticking around a little longer as usual but I took him to the doctor and his lungs sound fine. He's just got a crud. Can I just tell you what a blast I have everytime we go to the doctor. My youngest two go APE CRAP everytime we enter the doors. They act like they've been turned loose at the fair! Whew! At least I've been through it enough now to know how to get myself psyched up for it so that I don't completely lose my mind! LOL! I'm also having a bad day in terms of my current struggle. Some days are better than others. It's a tough fight for me but I'm convinced I'll make it through this a stronger person. Thought I was tough enough but I guess God thinks I could use some tweaking in that department. Eddie's latest decision to not adopt has crushed me in so many ways. Somedays I feel like I've moved on and I'm doing good and then somedays I wake up and feel like my whole heart and soul have been ripped out. I realize I have TONS to be thankful for and three wonderful children that I am eternally greatful to have the priveledge to raise. But the loss of the child I was planning to adopt is still very real and very painful. We didn't know who she was, we hadn't even been matched with a child but still she felt real to me. I felt connected to this child that I didn't know yet. I knew she was out there somewhere waiting for me to be her mommy. Most people think I'm crazy for wanting to add to my already chaotic house but this is what I love. I love my family, my children, and my chaotic lifestyle. It didn't bother me one bit to think of "adding more chaos". Eddie on the other hand just couldn't deal with that reality. I don't blame him. We're all different. It just hurts so badly to have this emptiness. For those that have experienced miscarriage, you can relate. I have experienced that myself and that's the only thing that I can relate this feeling to. The difference for me is the coping. When I had a miscarriage I was determined to become pregnant again as soon as I was healthy enough. And I did, resulting in my oldest, Jalen, my first little miracle. However, in this situation it's different. I have to find a way to accept that it's not going to happen and I haven't found that yet. I keep telling myself that I accept it's never going to happen but honestly I haven't. There's a part of me that wants so badly for him to say that he's changed his mind and wants to adopt afterall. That's not going to happen and I have to find a way to face it because everytime I talk to him about it, deep down wishing for him to say that though not asking him at all, I get crushed all over again when I hear him say that he never wants to adopt. I have decided that it's best that he and I not talk about it for a while, at least until I am at a better place with it emotionally. It just causes me to be angry with him. How can anyone look at these children and not want to open their home to them? I know that's the wrong attitude and that everyone's different, but when he and I talk about it, that attitude is what comes out and I become angry at him. Forgive me for how long this blog is. This is my way of venting since I don't know anyone personally who understands what I'm going through. I say Lord be with me because I need strength in a bad way. I want to feel better about this so badly but right now it doesn't feel possible. I know in my heart that it is possible. It's just a matter of me getting to the point where it really feels possible. For one, I am still trying to get rid of her things. I can't bring myself to take them to a thrift store or something like that. They're the last thing I have to remind me of her and her room that I had decorated. I need to get rid of them to help me heal. But I can't just throw them away. So Lord be with me, because my heart is broken, like it's never been broken before. I need to be at peace with this.

Oh How Handsome Am I?

As everyone knows, my kids keep me laughing all the time! But my Ryan is a mess! His talking is coming along but still tough to understand which makes it even more hilarious when he makes obvious comments. Anyone close to our family knows that when it's time for haircuts for the boys, they are wooly boogers. So haircuts are always a big transformation :) Anyway, last night I gave the boys haircuts and after I had washed Ryan off and was drying him off I said to him, "Ryan you look so handsome!" And he looks at himself in the mirror and said "Oh WOW!! Mommy, look, OH WOW!!" He was obviously impressed with how good he looked! LOL!

HELLO FROM YOKOTA!

Hi everyone! We're all still doing good here in Japan. Finally getting settled in a bit and making this house home. The kids are doing great adjusting. It's funny 'cause I wonder all the time why we had to come here. Not negative, just what God's big plan is for this and He reveals it to me all the time, little by little which makes it much easier to be this far away. All the kids are doing amazing. Ryan's behavior is really coming along and his speech & development is progressing everyday. We are seeing great change in him. His new school is WONDERFUL for him and there are tons more services available for him than what he was getting before. We've not even been here two months and he's already getting new hearing aids and a new hearing system for him to use at school. His teacher told me today that things just seem to be coming together with him and that she sees something new everyday that is progressing. His focus is dramatically increasing. He's following directions, participating with the group appropriately. Taking good cues from his teachers by their tone or facial expressions. We're so proud of him! Jalen is doing great!! His teacher is putting him into a group for accelerated learning since they can't technically go to gifted yet so we're happy about that of course. He has no idea that he's any smarter than his friends and I want to keep it that way so what she's doing is perfect in my opinion cause he doesn't have to be pulled out of class for anything. She's just gonna accelerate their cirriculum in the classroom. Also, we have a couple of neighborhood boys his age that he's made really good friends with and he's outside playing with them all the time. This weekend he was out from sun up to sun down climbing trees and digging for rocks and making "mud coatings" for them! :) I almost started crying seeing how happy he was. All three of the kids love playing outside with the neighborhood kids everyday. Our doorbell rings a thousand times a day even on the weekdays! :) Laela is definitely terrible twos! :) She's hilarious though. Just growing up too fast. I can't believe my last baby is almost 2!!!! I've made a friend with one of my neighbors and we cut up a good bit. Her boys are 6 and almost 4 and her baby girl is 3 months. Eddie already had a friend here that he used to be stationed with at Maxwell. Also,some of you might know, Eddie is on special assignment here and not working in the contracting office. So he won't deploy while he's here. He has to go tdy once or twice a month for a few days at a time but no deployments for four years. That said, we just found out this week that contracting just went to 6 months on, 6 months off for deployments. I can't imagine! Thank GOD we are here. Hopefully it will have slowed down by the time we are finished here but if not, he said he's getting out. He said there's no way he's doing that type of rotation. We'll see! So like I said, everytime I question His plan for us, He shows me He has lots in store for our family. We miss everyone so much and wish we could see everyone more. But we feel confident now this is where we're supposed to be for the moment. I got the sweetest letter in the mail from Lynn and it made me feel so close to home. For a minute I didn't feel a million miles away. Thank you Lynnie for taking the time to write and send it. I know everyone wants pictures and I promise I will send them soon. MY CAMERA IS OUT OF COMMISSION :( I love my fancy camera and can't wait to start using it here. But the battery charger for it somehow didn't make the move so I have to order a new one. As soon as I get it I promise I'll be getting lots of pictures out. LOVE TO EVERYONE!!!!!!

Sad News

Hello everyone. We are finally settling in in Japan. We love our new home. We miss our families but we are all very happy with things here. LOTS to do and see and we just hope we can get it all in while we're here. Yes, there is that much that we could actually leave in 4 years wishing we had seen something we didn't. Anyway, I'll move on to the subject of this post. If any of you have followed or read our timeline, you know that adoption has not always been something on Eddie's heart. It has been on mine since I was a small child. However, he has broken the news to me that his heart is not in the adoption process. I respect his honesty and his wishes for our family but as you might suspect, I am quite sadened by it. It has been a very tough process to get over this "hurdle" in our lives but we are moving forward and enjoying our wonderful family. There is really nothing I can do about the situation. I wish badly that adoption was something he wanted as badly as I do. But we can't change someone's heart. I know many of you will read this and think he is a horrible person for letting me get this far with it and for taking this away from me. Which is what I thought for a little while too if I'm being honest here. However, once all the anger peeled away, I was able to see that he was just trying desperately to make me happy and thought he'd eventually grow to want it as bad as I do. He wants nothing more than to be able to make mine and our children's dreams come true but thank goodness was honest enough with me NOW before we brought a child into our home. Who knows, someday maybe he'll change his mind and approach me about it. Maybe not. I've accepted that it may never happen. I know that some of you may also be wondering what we'll be doing with the little bit of money we raised toward our adoption. At the moment we have only raised $200 which may sound like a lot to some but for those of us familiar with the adoption world, we know that's a very small fraction of the total costs. Anyway, I have been in contact with a representative from one of the local orphanges here in Japan. We plan to donate the money to the orphanage. I will still be checking back from time to time to follow your journeys. Best wishes to you all and God Bless you and your families.

Allison