Lord Be With Me Today!

What a yucky day it is around here today. Eddie's been gone since Thursday and will be back Wednesday night. We miss him when he's gone. We all had colds at the end of the week last week but most of us are over it. Ryan's is sticking around a little longer as usual but I took him to the doctor and his lungs sound fine. He's just got a crud. Can I just tell you what a blast I have everytime we go to the doctor. My youngest two go APE CRAP everytime we enter the doors. They act like they've been turned loose at the fair! Whew! At least I've been through it enough now to know how to get myself psyched up for it so that I don't completely lose my mind! LOL! I'm also having a bad day in terms of my current struggle. Some days are better than others. It's a tough fight for me but I'm convinced I'll make it through this a stronger person. Thought I was tough enough but I guess God thinks I could use some tweaking in that department. Eddie's latest decision to not adopt has crushed me in so many ways. Somedays I feel like I've moved on and I'm doing good and then somedays I wake up and feel like my whole heart and soul have been ripped out. I realize I have TONS to be thankful for and three wonderful children that I am eternally greatful to have the priveledge to raise. But the loss of the child I was planning to adopt is still very real and very painful. We didn't know who she was, we hadn't even been matched with a child but still she felt real to me. I felt connected to this child that I didn't know yet. I knew she was out there somewhere waiting for me to be her mommy. Most people think I'm crazy for wanting to add to my already chaotic house but this is what I love. I love my family, my children, and my chaotic lifestyle. It didn't bother me one bit to think of "adding more chaos". Eddie on the other hand just couldn't deal with that reality. I don't blame him. We're all different. It just hurts so badly to have this emptiness. For those that have experienced miscarriage, you can relate. I have experienced that myself and that's the only thing that I can relate this feeling to. The difference for me is the coping. When I had a miscarriage I was determined to become pregnant again as soon as I was healthy enough. And I did, resulting in my oldest, Jalen, my first little miracle. However, in this situation it's different. I have to find a way to accept that it's not going to happen and I haven't found that yet. I keep telling myself that I accept it's never going to happen but honestly I haven't. There's a part of me that wants so badly for him to say that he's changed his mind and wants to adopt afterall. That's not going to happen and I have to find a way to face it because everytime I talk to him about it, deep down wishing for him to say that though not asking him at all, I get crushed all over again when I hear him say that he never wants to adopt. I have decided that it's best that he and I not talk about it for a while, at least until I am at a better place with it emotionally. It just causes me to be angry with him. How can anyone look at these children and not want to open their home to them? I know that's the wrong attitude and that everyone's different, but when he and I talk about it, that attitude is what comes out and I become angry at him. Forgive me for how long this blog is. This is my way of venting since I don't know anyone personally who understands what I'm going through. I say Lord be with me because I need strength in a bad way. I want to feel better about this so badly but right now it doesn't feel possible. I know in my heart that it is possible. It's just a matter of me getting to the point where it really feels possible. For one, I am still trying to get rid of her things. I can't bring myself to take them to a thrift store or something like that. They're the last thing I have to remind me of her and her room that I had decorated. I need to get rid of them to help me heal. But I can't just throw them away. So Lord be with me, because my heart is broken, like it's never been broken before. I need to be at peace with this.